Growth vs. Destruction
1. “Did you know that growth and destruction can look quite similar from the outside? The chaos you’ve been harboring, the part of yourself that you’ve been suppressing, is destroying the life you thought you had, all so you can grow. Tear down your walls. Did you notice that they were already crumbling? What comes to your mind as you reflect on growth and destruction (individually) in your own life?”
“When I hit rock bottom, that’s when I start looking up.” – Matthew West. What comes to mind when I reflect on growth? It sucks. I think I often associate growth with “yes, and” – being open to new experiences, new people, etc. But I guess growth also means “no.” “No” to things that make me uncomfortable, unhappy, or feel unworthy - even if those things look like people I love.
What comes to mind when I think of destruction? It sucks. I often blame myself, and myself only, for the destruction that appears in my life. It looks like my British ex breaking my heart, but that ending up being one of the absolute best years of my life because the best revenge was my happiness and success – even if I had to fake it for a while. The pain he caused me caused me to appreciate joy fully when it finally came back around, or to survive, find joy in the small moments in the present. Maybe it was a distraction. Or maybe it is the key to living and living life to the fullest.
2. “Healing looks different for everyone. It can look messy, like crying in shower, listening to music, or breaking something just because it feels good. What does healing look like for you? If you were able to hold on to your memories of unpleasant experiences while letting go of the accompanying emotions, would you? How would your world view change if you give yourself permission to do exactly that?”
Absolutely the best thing I did for myself after the Brit broke up with me is ask two of my friends to join me on a trip to Hawaii. The ocean brought me peace. The new experiences took me out of my head. My friends, all of us somewhat similar but also very different (people joke we’re the most random travel group), brought me laughter. It became a tradition – every year we prioritize each other, no matter what we’re doing in life, and travel together – long after the Brit stopped crossing my mind at all. My friend, Christy, in the earliest days of the breakup - when I was sobbing so hard I could barely get the words out, told me to allow myself to feel everything – joy, pain, etc. And she said, “Answers don’t come from chaos. Answers come from quiet.” This was the impetus for Hawaii. She was right.
Healing for me can also look like anger. Anger has always been a constant and reliable friend. Interestingly, anger has a high frequency/vibration. When channeled correctly, anger is a beautiful thing. My anger towards the Brit made me focus on my pageant. Maybe it was a distraction, but pageants require you to work on mind, body, and soul alignment. I would listen to uplifting or informational podcasts. I would do muscle exhaustion exercises my best friend, then a trainer, devised for me at the time. It sent me hunting for beautiful quotes on Pinterest – I even created a board called “When a Narcissist Breaks your Heart.” I got 1RU Miss WA USA. People were threatening to riot when I didn’t win. I won the Global Beauty Award for Best Onstage Answer. Now I look back at that time with him with apathy – if I can even bring myself to remember the details of the memories. It’s something I can discuss objectively. And I would be lying if I said I didn’t relish his regrets. His texts testing the waters – wondering if I’d take him back. Him leaving me a letter with reception on hotel stationary at a work conference. Him buying and sending me flowers for my birthday - all arranged from across The Atlantic. How he begged to speak with me during an office visit, and I sat with him at a table with my arms crossed and listened to him with polite disinterest while he was wondering why what he was saying wasn’t affecting me anymore. I healed. He, to this day, hasn’t. It seems I left more of a lasting impact on him than him me. I look back on my time with him often, thankful. Grateful that I went through that to get the opportunity to experience one of the absolute best years of my life.